Monday, October 1, 2007

Dear Picci punkin head,

I just want to sniff you again. To tell you I'm sorry you found an open window and got out and mostly I'm sorry that you had no nails to protect yourself against whatever got you in the end. I cried myself to sleep for a week after you got out Picci.
I just got a call from my dad saying he thought he saw you again. After 4 years could you really be living on our street as someone elses pet. I couldn't relax after we hung up, him on his way to the neighbors house to see if it was you. To check if you had your front paw nails, the sign it would be you even if he couldn't remember exactly what your beautiful orange spots looked like. I called my mom and sister excitedly telling them you might still be alive. Trying to control my excitement in case it wasn't you but in my mind I was already buying a last minute ticket to get up there and see you. I was fantasyzing about touching you again and bringing you your old stuffed animal, belle mcowfry. Then I called for the 5th time to see if they were back from getting you and Paula said that she was sorry but it wasn't you. She help the cat and it had nails and it wasn't you, my dear Picci. Now I can't think of anything but you. I want you so bad and feel so let down that it wasn't you. You were my first pet, my security blanket after Reza and I broke up. You were my babygirl and you loved me too, I know you did, I could hear it in your coo's to me. My sweet Picci-jones...

Friday, September 28, 2007

Across the Universe

Had a date last night with my hubby and went to my favorite theatre, The Arclight Cinemas and saw Across the Universe. It was super good. A nice story intermixed with all Beatles songs sung by the actors who did a great job. There were some tearful moments, some phsycodelic moments and some celebrity appearances (Bono and Salma Hayek).
What a different time period that was and it makes me happy to be living in this time but also long for Yesteryear's gone by like the ones my parents came into adulthood in.
My favorite songs were all Incorporated into the movie and some that I had forgotten about.
A++ from me!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

what a phucking spectorcle

How did that insane corspe get off with a mistrial. Is the LA justice system set on turning itself into a joke? Seriously.
I can't believe that phil spector (his name doesn't deserve caps) got off on a mistrial. IT'S INSANITY!
He is a crazy gun toting midget who has a long past of putting guns in pretty girls faces. He clearly has issues and he ADMITTED to killing her to his bodyguard.

really the bottom line for me is anyone who thinks this is a good look is clearly off his rocker and is capable of murder.

And what on earth is his new trophy wife Rachelle thinking getting in bed with this man who reportedy had a glass coffin build to show his wife what he would do to her if she ever cheated on him. Sealed alive in a glass coffin ~ ah, what a lovely reminder of love. And all I ever get from my husband are letters and jewelry, sucks for me.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

act actor, act

In Hollywood, so much is defined by your public persona or rather if you're known enough to have one. Are you on IMDB, do you come up on Google? What's your myspace? are you out there and can dirt be dug up about you on the internet? I decided to Google people I know last night. I have a habit of doing, like most other people living in this town but hadn't done it for awhile. Anyways, I came up with some info on people I know but no dirt (not like I was looking) so I googled myself.
I wonder, should I be sad if I Google myself and nothing comes up on me. Is it like the proverbial tree; If I'm not on the Internet am I really here. Do I exist in the social sense. All it takes these days to be known is to answer a Miss Teen USA question in the ditsy-est way possible and *poof* you get 15 minutes of fame or rather public mockery that pays. Then you get to have a tag line the rest of your life. You will always be "that girl" and I bet that gets old really fast. So I'm glad the public knows little of me. I prefer to be just outside the circle but still close enough to have a conversation with those people every once and a while.
This is all on my mind right now because as we speak my better half is on his way to get his first set of head shots for his new manager. He's starting to submerse in "acting". I think he's very talented and hope he does well. Well enough to afford us a nicer life and hopefully no more 40 hour grind (maybe I'll cut back to PT) but you have to think about all the things you would be giving up and once the ball is in motion would you, could you or should you stop it.
I'm sure Brad never intended to be the "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" and have every minute of his life tracked, tapped and discussed. Who really wants that part of it. Maybe they want the fortune and the access to what most get turned away from but they don't want to be stalked. And I'm just wondering if I/We could handle that if it was ever thrown our way and would loosing our anonimty be worth it? Would it just be better to choose adult careers and settle into them until we retire or should we try our hand at fate, give the dice a toss and hope we have enough luck and karma coming our way to win it big (but not too big).
Oh well, the decisions been made, the classes paid for and the dotted lines been signed....

Monday, September 24, 2007


How much I never knew about your life. There was always such a generational divide between you and I. You were always an 'old' grandma and I guess I just didn't think to ask about your stories when you were well enough to tell them. But to listen to your sisters talk about the life they shared with you, it makes me reget not hearing it all first hand from you.
What a different experience your life was to mine. You, the eldest girl of 10 kids. The second mother really. Leaving school at grade 7 to stay home and help out. Hearing how much you loved your mother Serafina (i didn't even know her name but I love it now that i do). You must have been more than a daughter to her, more like a best friend. And to have 4 sisters and 5 brothers, I can't even imaging that! Then to only have my mom and Joey. I know you never got over loosing him. I'm so sorry for how you must have felt after he passed.
And now you're gone. Hopefully at peace. I hope you know how much you were loved. How much my mom loves you and was there for you at the end. That has to be the saddest thing for a daughter to watch her mother to go through. Now I have a glimpse as to what I hope to NEVER EVER go through. I love her deeply, maybe even deeper than she loved you and look what it did to her. I'm sad for me but mostly sad for her. and for grandpa. The eighties are like a return to infanthood and the quality of life is not very full unfortunately. I hope he finds moments of happiness and elation. I hope we all do. Please look after us all from above and lead up in the right way. We love you. I love you.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

a chill in the air......

We've had some bedding issues lately. We had to get a new box spring AND frame which equals a lot of money spent out of the blue. And then of course to complete the new bed sitch we got a bedskirt that took me a half an hour to iron. If I'm ever wealthy enough to not have to do my own laundry and ironing - I'd be very happy indeed. On the way home from Bed, Bath and Beyond I had the window down and the breeze was heavenly. It was coool and felt great on this Oregonians skin. I don't think I relized that I like that weather until just last year when Chaddy and i started walking in the fall and getting a kick out of crispness in our hair & the air as we held hands walking our neighborhood, me busy stomping on the leaves! I'm thrilled that it's cool outside but unfortunately my California husband prefers the sun. I think I'm a 3 season girl myself: fall, spring and summer baby! Anyways, off to get ready for a movie with my crisp-air loving brother who feels good in his cool bones too. Superbad; how fucking funny are you really!!!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Loves List

I wrote this for Chadd before the wedding. I love all the little quirks about us that make an US. We all have our idiot-synchrosis and to truly love Chadd is to honor his and love him deeper because of them. Just like he does with my many...

He’s obsessed with climbing and jumping
She has to read in bed with her cat for 30 mins after work to properly calm down
He needs double cheese on anything he eats that’s cheesy
She likes cheese too
He use to say two-apart because of together
She smothers her lips in anything creamy than licks it off
He prefers baths
She only washes her hair 2 times and week and is terrible at it
On her birthday and Valentines Day he washes it for her
She made him watch all the sex and the cities
He finally admitted he likes them
They don’t like watching anything with people cheating on their partner
He wishes he could have two a day sex sessions with her
She has him on a semi-sex schedule
He always cleans the hair out of the drains
She packs his bags for him
They are obsessed with their cats
He doesn’t read but likes to have books of things that interest him
She has a random hair that grows on her chest and is having it lasered
If he farts around her he makes her promise to hold her breath
One time she pooped with the door open when he was home
He was a virgin
She kissed him first
He can’t get enough
She loves him so much that she cries
He bought her the perfect ring
She pestered him until he surprised her with it
He combs his hair slick back after washing it
She only washes her armpits, girly parts and face in the shower
He has a little tooth
She only looks good in pictures when she's smiling
He looks like superman
She always wanted to be famous
He can do the robot better than anyone
She cares what other people think
He could care less
She loves the color pink but only certain shades
Red’s been his favorite color his whole life
She goes to boot camp for exercise because she’s too lazy to workout herself
He likes martial arts
She isn’t overweight but still thinks she’s fat
His ears don’t have lobes
She sings to any song she knows trying to prove she can sing
He lies to her and says she’s good even though she’s tone deaf
She needs a lot of adoration
He gives her anything she needs
She wants to hide in a closet when she’s sad
He makes the bed every day for her
She relies on him to plan their future but has opinions about everything
He lets her think she’s in control
She doesn’t swallow
He says he doesn’t care
She sleeps on her stomach
He sleeps on his back but wants to sleep on his stomach
They are desperately in love
She’s going to take his last name even though she hates it
He’s not offended but wants her to take it anyways
She can only eat her meat well done but orders is med well and always sends it back
He wants to walk outside without shoes on
Sometimes she lets him but rarely
He’s going to high jump again
She’s so proud that he chose her
They both love cleaning their ears
He runs the bath for her if she wants a bath
But she runs it for him too
Candles = romance
Kissing is their favorite
He hates when she sticks her tongue in his mouth out of the blue
She likes red wine
He likes white and tries to get her drunk
They talk in baby talk together
They are getting married in 38 days

I'm airing it........

It really is the oddest thing how I gained a husband and unknowingly lost my best-friend. I'm still left unanswered as to why by BF of 4 years didn't come to my shower, wedding or contacted me in the last 4 months. It's an odd sadness because I feel all those cliched feelings of "at least I know now who she is" and "i guess our friendship wasn't as close as i thought" or people have said "Leigha, she must be jealous of you" but i think that's all bullshit. She was my best friend. She was my confidant and #6 in my speed-dial (2-5 were all family) and then *POOF* she's gone. It started with her not getting PAID time off (she couldn't taken unpaid) from work to come to my bridal shower but then make it to the wedding damn it! how bout showing a little remorse for not coming or fuck it; lets be honest at least send a gift, a really nice gift that shows me you actually remembered that on that day i was getting married and that you cared you weren't there. After all, it was an event i had hoped to share with. An event we'd talked about the year and half Chadd and I were engaged. Remember how you use to say you would be crying so much you wouldn't even be able to give a speech? WTF.

Now though, OBVIOUSLY there is still some residual anger (it's subsiding and soon I won't care at all) but I have realized that we weren't as good of friends as i thought and that you aren't the best friend for me to have. You're scared to live your life and have horrendous walls up that I'd always assumed didn't encircle me but they did and it's cool, i get it. You're scared. You're just a quiet mid-west girl and that's who you will always be.
I truly wish you the best but you're not the friend for me girl. You didn't get me, support me or truly love me because you vanished. and I have to say it, it reminds me of what your father did to you. It's a habit you're choosing to repeat on those closet to you like he did.
Finally, I saw on your myspace profile that you changed your about me to say something about "finding out who you're real friends are and who'll stand by you when times are tough" and I could really smack you because that's how i feel, not you. Dude you are so not the victim of a bad best friend who left you hanging it was YOU. You're the fucked up friend who is too whatever the word is to give a fuck that this was my "big day" (to steal your little catch fraze) because it was my big day. My time to have my favorite people around me sharing in my happiness and have them all wishing me well. Happy that with all my broken past i had found someone to love and cherish me. It's what your friends wish for you when they are real friends.
So now it's over, I've said my peace and it feels good. You left me hanging at the alter and in hindsight the real truth is I didn't think about you once that day.

good luck with your walls, maybe you can find a rock climber like yourself that doesn't mind spending an eternity scaling them.

Monday, August 13, 2007

lets be honest....

it's been awhile since i've blogged and i think that's ok because NOBODY reads my blog but me. It's my own journal and i want to get back into it. It's been a few months since i've written and so much has happend in that space of time. I'm now 29, Married, no longer friends with Liz (why, i'm still not sure) and I've traveled to Italy with my husband. But let's just start with today.
I feel sad. I don't know why in reality but I think it has something to do with spending too much time at work and away from my family. There's so much pettiness around me and it's so exhausting being everyone's go to gal. I am not slammed busy but I feel like a hostess all day as i'm tired of it. I just want to chill for a bit. or I just want to be slammed busy solving my own problems. I'm sure everyone out there has similar issues. We're all just earning that paycheck, trading time for money but I want to be more, have more. Especially freedom and time. I want to go explore new places and see old people. My grandma's not doing so great and I want to go be with her and my mom. Not looking at the time count down till returning to work.
Also, i'm dying to go to my dads and relax on the Island. Get my feet and hands all dirty in the garden and cook great big dinners with the family. Drink too much wine and watch good movies snuggled up to the siblings.
All this includes family but i'd love love love to get away with my new husband and go explore somewhere like Austin. Drinking in the different people and foods. Listening to new stories and talking to new people whom I didn't know i'd ever meet.
In reality, i've used up all of my vacation time FOR THE YEAR. I feel like i'm holding back a good cry. On the brink of tears although I'm really mostly happy but there's just these fews things missing that are bringing me down. this blog is fully unfinished but my work is calling my name and i just needed to get this down. so boo