4 years later...

Good morning my girl,

The time rolled back an hour yesterday so I find myself up at 6am instead of 7am and you still in bed, this is rare. You sort of have a mom beacon and like to stay within my range. As much as a few moments solo are lovely in the morning for some personal centering, I really do love your presence. Your morning snuggles satisfy my soul deeply. I hope they continue.You will always find my arms open and my nook available.

There was a time that I was sick being your warm snuggle buddy. Sick of being the only one that could do bedtimes. I nursed you to sleep for over three years every night and didn't earn a moment of solo evening time until I'd completed my stealth mission of sneaking my arm out from under you then silently lifting my body off your bed and across a creaky old floor. If the mission was a failure it was back to bed till I could try it again. I just wanted to sit in my own bed solo, maybe read a book, sip wine, watch a show while holding your dads hand or hangin in his nook to recharge.

 

So I was happy once bedtimes became something that any parental warm body could do. Your dad is much more stealth than I am anyways.

But now you're 7. So big. The days less painfully slow and I find myself without complaint and with you at bedtime almost every night. I don't have to wait to leave til you are off in dreamland now. 

I'm aware my days as your main girl might be numbered and that a 17 year old probably doesn't need a bedtime story so here I stay till you ask me to go away. 

Trying to create something long and strong that will carry us through teenage years. Will you always share you rose, thorn and bud with me?

I love hearing about your day. The ups and downs. What you look forward to. 

We only have so long with each other. I came across a blog I'd written yesterday that I forgot about. You were always who I imagined reading it. Maybe I'll even put this one on there and take it back up. I hope you don't see the slowed down posts and emails to you as a sign of anything. I use to have so much I wanted to say and you couldn't absorb it but now you can and you are so with it. So bright, So so sharp.

For sure, you will be a better arguer than me one day and probably sooner than later to be honest. You have that balanced Libra mind. Mine is more emotional. That was goal after all. To give you stability. 

The other night you and a dear friend of yours were having a hard time and I could see her on the brink of tears. Not solely because of you but the situation and a sense of jealousy over something you had. Anyways, I spoke to her privately and tried to help her move through but I offered a solution that left you upset and through your tears you were able to verbalize quite well that you felt I was creating a solution that made your friend happy at the expense of your unhappiness and that was just as unfair. You didn't yell, thrash or whine. You were calm, centered and had your own tears falling down your face. What composure you had. 

Luckily you girls sorted it out but it showed me something I needed to see. 

You are so strong Aurelia without being afraid to be vulnerable. 

I'm proud of you my girl. 

I will sit by this fire and keep the sweetgrass and sage burning till you rise. My arms ready to embrace you for our morning snuggles.   

Love, Mama

flats eyes, FULL HEART.

The pure exhaustion. The reluctant acceptance of exhausting.

The hours of rest that you will never get back ever. PERIOD.

I remember growing up and having to get up early for school. What a drag it was but then the weekend came round and it was sleep in city. Lounge around living after Saturday morning chores were done. 

The stakes got higher in college, you'd have to wait a bit longer for good ole R&R but then the semester would end, sickness would overcome your body and you'd enter a bearlike hibernation for a few days then be off running, fun filled days and nights capped by sleeping in as late as humanly possible. 

20's brought work weeks and chill weekends. A lot of downtime, TV time, everything but those 40 hours of work done on your own time. 

I use to come home from work, hop into bed with my cat and a book for a solid 30 minutes to relax then often hit the couch for a few more hours of heavy remote lifting. Maybe hop up to make a salad or just beg my hub to open the wine and order in.

But clocks tick tock and you find yourself asking the question of well, I guess we might as well try right, just 10 days after closing papers on your first home. 

In our case there was no trying, just succeeding. 

And now as a mother of an almost three year old I am at levels of exhausting that I couldn't ever fathom before. My man and I are zombies. Fully addicted to caffeine. Our morning hello's are grumbles of a version of how our sleep was unsatisfactory in length and shitty in depth. 

There are no weekends off, no sleep ins until the clock reaches double digits. 

I've nursed through food poisoning and roto-virus as well as EVERY NIGHT of her life. 

I'm not even being a Martyr just a mother. Same as millions & billions that have chosen to forever forgo sleep and spawn.

The new normal is a one with a face that tingles from lack of sleep and breasts full of caffeine scented milk. 

A letter to Aurelia

You have been on this earth for a year and a half, for exactly 548 days. Sometimes it feels like how has it really been that long and other times I can't remember life without you. Before you it was just your Dad and I for about 7 years and before that there was me, alone, for 26. All three "eras" have been well lived and enjoyed but this last year and a half have been extraordinary.  I am so deeply in love with your little spirit, with your soul, with how you enjoy life and how you relate to me and your Dada. Don't ever feel pressure or overwhelmed by my love though little one for I am a lover, it is my path in life to love you so immensely but it is not yours to ever feel like you have to hold yourself up to my love in ways that you don't want to. I will always love you for who YOU are not who you think I want you to be. That is the gift of motherhood and you were the one who taught it to me, I thank you for that. 

I've been a better wife because of what I've learned while being your mom and I've been even kinder to myself, family and friends.  I'm learning more about myself and what feeds my soul just as you too are learning who you are in this world. 

You love to be chased and we love chasing you whenever you say Chase! You know when you are scared though you call it sayca when helicopters fly overhead. Luckily, on our flight to my dads and back this past week you didn't get sayca. You just hung out on the plane, sometimes in your own seat (we flew first class and had most of it too ourselves) eating snacks, walking around and on the way home you slept in my arms. 

I think you had a blast at my dads riding on the tractor with him, chasing the alpacas, finding all the Buddhas outside and then trying to sit in their laps, climbing in the big tee pee and playing with the baby chicks. We met cousin Kai for the first time, you liked saying baby but most certainly did not like when I held him. Not to mention you are cutting some serious teeth and that always puts you in mama mode. It was very warming to see your reaction to me holding another baby and also reconfirms the decision that we are most likely not having any other kids. We feel like with you our family is complete. I sincerely hope that this is a decision you will be OK with throughout your life and know we made the decision out of love for you and for ourselves. 

Tonight you feel asleep on me an hour before your bedtime and as I carried you into your room I felt the weight of your growing body on my heart. How big you are, how quick you are growing. No longer a baby but you will always ALWAYS be my baby and I will always love you as such.

Love, Mama

Quickest year of my life

Well that wasn't too snappy. Said I'd be right and look what happened...it took me a year to get back here. Guess I was busy birthing then raising that baby but the good news is we did it! We kept her alive! She's even thriving and happy. Drug free birthed and formula free fed  so I guess it's no wonder it took me so long. I mean who really gives a shit though. I just write this for me, as a journal that I can visit and for you my darling daughter, Aurelia. When I write, it's always you I picture as my reader.
A year ago, I was huge...house huge. The stretch marks that I currently sport where forming on my underbelly unbeknownst to me. My feet were my worst enemy and I was starting to dream about giving birth and getting the baby out! That is the blessing of getting huge, for the first time you aren't afraid of birth, you welcome it. The bullet you need in your gun to put you out of that misery. I went 10 super long days overdue but I had her at home as intended. Drug free, excruciating pain but drug free and I was instantly in love when she emerged. My hub was so amazing and likes to say the home birth was really a gift for him because he was able to be involved and bond with her immediately. TMI alert: there was a moment when they locked eyes while she was venturing out. I think in that moment he became a dad. Super intense magical stuff right there. Don't get me started, I could write for days about those two...together they are what my dreams are exactly made of and they bring me to tears and are the cliche to my heart but let's not have a collective puke/cryfest. Lets keep this in recap zone.
Best part hands down of the whole birthing experience besides getting that baby on my chest and just holding, seeing, feeling, sniffing, kissing, witnessing her existence was an hour later after I had rinsed, dressed and gotten into bed. Holding my baby, next to my wonderful man, we laid in bed as a family with our now extended family around us and had a sip of champagne. At that moment, yes I was sore, but that's it. I was alert and engaged. I was a mom and I felt like I could run around the world if my daughter needed me too. It was the highlight of my life.
Since then, the magic has continued to unfold on the daily in small and mountainous ways. With first laughs, blue eyes, teeth emerging, hands clapping, full diapers, fingers wrapped around my neck, in nursing and latching, midnight snuggles and countless other ways.
My husband has become so much more. He's a father, a provider, a genuine adult and more than I could ever have hoped for. He fixes things. Like orders parts off the internet and fixes our ice maker for instance. That is more than I ever hoped for and he does it. He also loves our nugget to bits and has coined some awesome nicknames for her. Rookie Roo, Papa Yugi, Nuggie ( I know everyone has this one but..) Some real winners.
And me, I've had such a huge year! I've been with our babe everyday. Such a blessing. I've met some amazing other moms and their awesome babes. We've decorated our home, finally can say that every interior wall has been created purposefully and painted. I'm back to my old body for the most part. Nursing is officially my favorite work out of all time. Burns the calories, if only it toned. Our pace of life is much slower but damn if I don't stay so busy all day. This housewife shit is no joke. Laundry, groceries, watering plants, a little paperwork and my day is done. I have spent a fair amount of time writing just not online. I've got a gratitude journal going, a baby book of her monthly changes and I write Aurelia emails. I can't talk with her and I so badly want to communicate so this is our compromise and time capsule for her to read one day.
Well bedtime I realize is upon my sleepy eyes so with this I will leave to wonder when I will next post...a week, a year...hmmm

The joys of pregnancy

Well, I've gone public on facebook that I'm pregnant so here is the blog about it! I'm in my 6th month and have to say, I'm loving it. The whole experience has been 98% amazing. The 2% of ick comes from fears/financial stress (maybe it should be a few more percents in truth but I HATE to lead with fear, instead I trust trust TRUST in the universe to provide) and the other 1% is from the 2 times I've wanted to take pain relief SO BAD but didn't. Like today, I'm dealing with a whiplash like neck pain and have no idea where it stems from but my neck is on fire and the pain is so intense. I've put Arnica gel on it and felt minor relief for a few minutes but nothing long term or seriously pain relieving.
Sidenote, I listen to KPFK every morning on the way to work and they are in the middle of the longest fund-drive but one of the gifts they are hoping to tempt peoples donation with are Dr. Mario Martinez, The Mind Body Code DVD's. They play his clips and it's very interesting and inspiring to lead with your thoughts. So I'm trying to convince myself that this feeling of pain isn't real, that I feel great. Not super successful but I'll keep it going because there's not much else that can be done.
Back to the lovely 98% though, that's the good stuff. I have so much love and good energy flowing through me and around me. It's so important to me to keep the yuck out of my life and body. I don't need it and neither does my baby. I believe the ride she's having in me right now is doing a lot to inform her of the world she's about to come into. A world I hope she feels stress free in, loved...oh so loved, open to explore who she is and follow her passions.
It has been amazing to watch my body grow and change. Even better is to be sharing it with my partner who is giving me so much love, compassion and support. And a lot of food squeezes and help up when it's just too hard to get off the ground by myself. Seriously carrying around an extra 20 pounds ONLY in the front of my body is intense on my balance and comfortability. I'm so thankful for the Snoogle pillow.  A must buy for any preggo's you know. It is my saviour at night.

I'll post soon about the books, classes and ways I'm preparing for my home birth as that is in my mind super share worthy information and I would love to hear back from mommas and mommas to be, especially any who've gone the home birth/midwife route as well. xox

adding feathers to our nest...

So we bought the house, now we are having a baby and have finally dug into some actual house projects. Feels like we are living some sort of American suburban dream or something. Nothing has really changed but our address and the size of my belly but it does feel like we are right where we were always meant to be. Happy together and growing our life. It doesn't feel too radical (as in extreme, it does feel cool/rad) being pregnant. The biggest trip these days is just watching my body grow and to see a different profile when I look in the mirror than I've ever had before. I know this feeling is minimal to the way my life will grow and change with the arrival of our munchkin but beyond day dreaming and imagining I have no actual factual idea of how my days will be come this fall. I know without a doubt that my heart is growing even more than my big ole belly. I feel so full of love and happiness. I know I'm so lucky to have a supportive husband and family. I also know, that the love I feel today is probably tiny when compared to how much I'll love our child. And with that love comes paradoxical fear, how fun! Fears of parental failures, fears of losing myself, financial fears and the fear of having it all and then losing it but I'm guessing this is normal and fortunately  I'm keeping those thoughts at bay because honestly, there is just no room left in this body for fears. Especially now that my creative mind is kicking in and demanding A LOT of attention. 

I usually blog way more about home projects because I love decorating & design so much however the last 4 months have been pretty full and overwhelming just with moving into our home (our forth move of the year). And it's definitely taken some time to discover what our flow here would be. As it is our first home and we can literally do ANYTHING to it, we've had to decide what anything would look like. The house we bought was a flip so basically it's brand new inside but not necessary all our style and we can't afford to redo everything we don't love but we've finally started picking away at the smaller projects.

Here's what we've done so far.

~~Repainted the front door & shutters in the front a deep blueish grey. They were an orange brown before, it was awful. Our home & style is much more in the range of cool tones than warm. I wish we had darker wood floors but we are just lucky to have wood at all so absolutely no complaints.

~~We put in  some fruit trees and 2 raised garden beds for veggies in the backyard.

Still need to stain the wood.

~~Fireplace in the living room was very blah before (upper left pic) so it's been painted and refinished to be more of a rustic and darker aged brick. Soon the walls in this room will be a very dark matte grey.

~~Next up, changing out the ugly green granite counter tops in the bathrooms to a delicious crema marfil that my mother in law gifted us with. We went fancy on it and purchased top of the counter sinks that happily didn't break the bank. The added counter space in the master (top pic) was much needed and I love the squared off edging. It completely changed the whole space. The bathroom walls in the master are now a light grey to play off the grey walls of the bedroom. Feels VERY grown up and chic. We still need to pick out a color for the guest (bottom pic) bathroom and it seems like we are leaning towards a light green/blue with more of a grey (theme of our house!) tone to it.

Then this weekend we put up these new side wall lamps that give us so much more side table space and look really nice in our room (on sale at o.co). I'm so happy with the look. I still haven't figured

out my ultimate bedding colors but what we have definitely works for now.

My nesting instinct has been centered around us and getting our creature comforts addressed so that we can comfortably start our life as parents but soon we will start getting the nursery ready! We have a few ideas but we don't know yet which ones will stick. Oh and the dreaded garage lays ahead, ugh. More to come.....

Adventures with Coconut Flour....PIZZA!!!

We've been dipping our toe in the recipe pool of gluten free -- Specifically using coconut flour.
My guy is eating a full on ketogenic diet these days so in order for him to have anything resembling a carb we've been cooking with coconut flour. So far he's perfected coconut pancakes and we've made coconut flour cupcakes with a delicious cream cheese frosting but he's been craving the savory taste of bread with cheesy goodness in the form of PIZZA! So I found what looked like a simple enough recipe online and luckily we had all of the ingredients http://www.freecoconutrecipes.com/index.cfm/2010/1/15/herbed-gluten-free-coconut-flour-pizza-crust

I liked that the use of herbs in the dough overpowers any sweetness from the coconut flour so you can really embrace the savory tastes of the dish. The only issue was flipping the dough at 10 minutes in as it sticks to the parchment paper, but he figured out that by icing the opposite side of the paper for a moment it helped to release the dough on the other side.
We topped ours with a mix of alfredo and tomato sauce, fresh mozzarella and our favorite Salami from whole foods (wine & garlic, non-nitrate). I may have thrown some marinated artichoke hearts on mine because I'm an addict but that's another post. They were super delicious and satisfying as was having company in the kitchen for me. Cooking & shopping together for new ingredients has been so rewarding for me. I love anything that we can do together!!